You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
