totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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