he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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