I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
