cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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