I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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