Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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