he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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