what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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