All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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