____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
