I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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