My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
