You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
