Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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