I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
