I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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