Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he high fived his dick after we had sex
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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