hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
