either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
