Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
