Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
