Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
