All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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