please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
