What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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