but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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