I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
