Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
