Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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