that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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