John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Randomize
