I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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