It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
