i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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