There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Randomize
