My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
a search helicopter?!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
