UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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