we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
