So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
