I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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