The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
