In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
