I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
