"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
