Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i just had sex bonerless
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
