there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
