2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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