You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is classic penis vs brain.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
