Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
