Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
