could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
