Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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