My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
