In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
