everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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