Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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