considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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