Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Randomize
