I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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