I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
