just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
